Chairman v President

The Chairman’s XI vs The Presidents XI 2005

A spectators guide to the talent on display, with apologies to anyone who may turn up for a game at the last minute and thus avoid being libelled by the Hon Sec.

The Chairperson – a fine figure of a man with most of his own teeth, despite a solid season masticating the provender of the regular BBQ’s which have become a feature of the pre-match preparation. Despite a lack of match practice he intends to Captain in person, using the Keith Miller approach – “You’re bowling, the rest of you spread out….”

The Hon Captain of the President’s XI : An ageing medium pacer who has finally learnt the value of luring the opposition into a false sense of security for 80% of the season, then having a couple of good games at the end. Bowls a devastating leg cutter which is wasted on most batsmen and relies heavily on the Casuals slip cordon to snap up the wickets. Older, but no wiser……

Rupert Wilson – the strangely fezzed pedant from the bayou country at the upper end of the Holme Delta. A man who has striven mightily this season with a Trinny like makeover (witness the “whites” from Help the Aged and the open Mini), once on the field his real identity is revealed. 

Marc Davis – Pietersen like in all but batting, fielding, physique and bowling, Marc has made his usual understated contribution to the Casuals season. Spells of deadly bowling and one against Darton with the bat, rewarded by his clutch on the Bowling Averages.

Dan Cooper – much improved in consistency as a bowler, despite the constant drone of advice from Cooper Senior, and an under rated batsman. I well remember his 38 not out in last year’s Ashes victory against the Chairman’s XI last year.

William Cooper – once upon a time, when Yorkshire needed another fast bowler, the call would go down the pit shaft and a selection would be presented. In modern times, the Casuals Captain, short of half a team, can call on the extended Cooper brigade and raise the rest. Will has already impressed as a bowler and fielder, but the rest of the Coopers will be sadly missed. Ageing Lothario Ian, young blade Joe and the reticent Tom have all turned out this season.

Will Ward – parenthood suits the folically challenged Ward, though his batting has been adversely affected by the distractions of young ladies shouting admiringly at him from the boundary. Not a problem most Casuals have.

David and Chris Walker – Walker senior has struggled with reality, weather conditions, age, geography, abuse from ageing fast bowlers and most other things this season. Always good when firm rock is required in the batting order. Chris makes a welcome annual appearance – hopefully they won’t get their trousers mixed up…  

Alan Priestley – a season without Alan is like a food without wine – hot and steaming. His golf and umpiring at Helmsley reminded us of what we have been missing. Can always be relied upon to tell you the ball you should have bowled.

Duncan Cleave – alcohol and sleep deprivation have not affected Dunc’s performance in the past, but this year he’s starting to show the first signs  of becoming a proper Casual – witness the testing of keeper Longbottom in last Sunday’s match against Darton – Peter Schmeichel would have struggled with some of his returns from deep point. 

Steve Rotheray – solid trencherman and not one to suffer sleep loss without a fight. 

James Lockwood – well known flasher, a gay blade and all round good egg.

Kevin Hirst – A Casuals debutante in grand style – a duck on his first and only outing to date. Little does he realise that most Casuals start their existence in a similar fashion. 

Jim Harris – Lazarus like Jim made his first appearance for two seasons last week against Darton. Aficionado’s of his fine style will be pleased to know that two seasons away have taught him nothing he couldn’t already do badly. An interesting new addition to the repertoire is pretending to have a hockey stick in hand while attempting to field so that the ball passes his hands by a margin of three feet on its way to the boundary.

Stuart Larner and Son – what is there left to say about Stuaart – boundless enthusiasm and relentless mantra chanting when either batting or fielding. His running between the wickets has been improved this year under pressure from the younger stallions at the other end, and his fielding while umpiring bears little resemblance to his fielding while fielding. The appearance of Larner Jnr in Stuart’s cast of whites is eagerly anticipated.

Paul and Matt Brown – Those familiar with the works of Dostoevsky will recognise these two as The Brothers Kamikazi. When playing in the same team, the Adrenalin twins can be a liability and the prospect of them facing each other may require outside intervention from paramedics and hair stylists. Batting, fielding and bowling contributions from this pair have been a key part of the Casuals season – all we need now is a wicketkeeper.

Sam Wilkinson – rarely known to loose his cool, the bowling green parking attendant at Helmsley suffered the rough end of his tongue. However, one can forgive successful captains who generously spend the match fees on drinks for the team in such a cavalier fashion.

Ken Jagger – currently out on remand awaiting some internal reorganisation of his pipework. Hopefully this will has not affected his “ball from hell” – the reverse swinging donkey drop onto the top of the off peg.

Mark Windale – another rare migrant species passing through on his way to or from warmer climes. Mark’s efforts to loose weight in a good cause seem to be constantly thwarted by his efforts to put it back on in a liquid form at The Royal Oak.

James Umbers – the only other Casual to have been bothered by young ladies on the boundary this season, a developing bowler with some of his father’s fielding ability. However with iron will and discipline I feel sure he can be cured.

Sam Stier – the Casuals answer to Charlie Dimmock, Rick Stein and Dave Allen rolled into one. Never short of an opinion (rarely correct) and leader of the Casuals Barmy Army. Once a fine fielder he can be relied on to field finely once before requiring intensive back therapy.